The Essential Quotable Whitaker
Disclaimer: these were all spoken by John Whitaker and are somewhat crude and unsavory. Read at your own risk.
"As a person quite knowledgeable in the sciences I am qualified to say that a stripper would never be able to become a crime scene investigator."
"That waitress sure was flirty for me being such an ugly guy."
"Hey look, the floor. *BARF*"
"I'll take a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, a Sr. Bacon Cheeseburger, and a Bacon Cheeseburger III."
"When sitting in a chair, I always make sure to sit in a position such that if the chair were to instantly vanish I would be able to catch my balance and not fall on my ass."
"I am concerned I might wake up in the middle of the night to find a little girl standing next to my bed. I keep a Bible handy to beat her with...just in case."
"Bring me the vagina of an animal stuffed with the penis of the corresponding male and bleu cheese. I call it Intercordon Bleu."
"WinCo: the Used Food Store."
"Let's build some emotional walls."
"Have fun with that. I'm going to go mayor the shit out of my Sim City."
"Gross, I spilled fry sauce on my pants. It's like some woman had her period all over my jeans."
"I'd rather have a woman named Chris than a man named Dino be governor."
