The Statute of Limitations on Friendship
Sometimes you'll have an acquaintance through a class, but after the class ends you no longer see that person on a regular basis. Chances are the former friendship will go through several stages.
The first is the real conversation stage. Suppose the next semester has just started and you see your friend walking across campus. The proper etiquette is to make a real, sincere, honest attempt at a disingenuous conversation. Hey! How are you? Oh, I'm doing fine, how about yourself? Not bad, not bad! Well hey, I'll see you around! Yeah, yeah, sounds good! Note that the conversation is enthusiastic, even though both of you know deep down that the beginning of the end is here for your friendship.
After real conversation comes the “What's up” stage. This is the point where the phrase “What's up” is used as a rhetorical question: your friend may even answer with a “What's up” of his or her own. This makes absolutely no sense since it is analogous to responding to the question, “How's it going” by saying, “How's it going?” Nevertheless, it is the second stage of friendship decline.
Things really deteriorate at this point, as the third stage is the head nod stage. Instead of a half-assed “Hey” or “'Sup,” both of you merely nod your head in mutual recognition. Now, this is not to be confused with the chin bob, which is something completely different. The chin bob is the act of suddenly jolting your chin up while slightly squinting your eyes and mouthing “Whassup?” This maneuver works best when driving a sports car, trying to look like an idiot, or possibly both at the same time.
After the head nod stage, the statute of limitations on your friendship is up and you have no further obligations to your former friend. The ugly manifestation of this point is the dreaded stare ahead, where you pretend not to see/recognize the other person, even if the other person says something or looks at you. This can be hurtful to the victim of the stare ahead who may later complain to his or her friends, Can you believe it? That sonofabitch gave me the stare ahead!
Even more heinous than the stare ahead is the street cross. I implore everyone reading this to never stoop to the level of the street cross as it has the potential to devastate the victim (I'm looking at you girl from my class). Essentially, the street cross is when you see the person you're avoiding, make eye contact, and then cross to the other side of the street so you won't have to say hello or give a head nod. This maneuver implies that the victim is such a pathetic human being that you will go to great lengths and inconvenience to avoid even acknowledging their existence. Again, don't use this one.
One final note: to avoid crazy religious people who accost everybody walking through a funnel point of campus foot traffic, find a large man and walk at such an angle that he is always between you and the crazy guy. This is similar to the screen play in basketball, except you're not playing a sport, you don't know any of the people involved, and instead of scoring points your goal is to perpetuate bizarre socially avoidant behavior.
© 2006, Michael Logsdon