Drive Through Espresso Shacks are Awesome

I found out this summer that drive-through espresso shacks are waaaaay better than actual coffee shops. The chronology of this development goes back to earlier in the summer when I was working on the greenhouse at my parents' place and learned how to use my mom's espresso machine. This revelation is mostly responsible for the completion of the greenhouse as I regularly re-energized myself in the early afternoon with a double-shot of espresso. Notice that I didn't say "latte", "cappuccino", or "I-need-some-Cialis" but rather a double-shot of espresso. The logical progression is mochas to americanos to drip coffee to shot-in-the-darks to espresso shots to chewing on coffee beans. I'm not at the last one yet since I stalled out at espresso shots.

(Hilarious shot-in-the-dark aside: at the end of junior year at UI my roommate Nasty Nate finished his finals on a Tuesday and went out drinking that night. He kept wanting to party as everybody else faded and left until it was eventually just him and Crill, but even Crill turned in at about 5am and Nasty wasn't done partying so he rode his bike to Starbucks at opening for a shot-in-the-dark and got back to the apartment around 7am. I had just gotten up and was making coffee and preparing for a final I had that morning when he walked in: I was somewhat puzzled as to why he was up so early as I didn't know what went on the previous night, but it became obvious pretty quickly that he was still drunk and awake from the night before and was hopped up on caffeine and really wanted me to go to the bagel shop with him. He was VERY insistent that we go to the bagel shop but I politely told him that I would love to go to the bagel shop but I have a final that I need to go to instead.)

I had never been too high on the chain coffee experience since the baristas tend to be, uh, less than friendly to me. They don't give a shit: they know I'm not the secret shopper—I'm not going to bust their balls for bad service. (Consequently, if a secret shopper service hired somebody like me for the shopping I would get SO many employees yelled at for failing shops.) Every time I go to a store of a large coffee chain I always end up waiting in line for a long time and then having my order taken by a moderately attractive and hostile young woman who is abrupt and dismissive. Great. What a terrific experience.

At the end of this summer I was driving around a lot and jonesing for espresso a lot so I finally tried a drive through espresso shack. It was surprising. The moderately attractive young woman at the window was trying soo hard to be genuinely friendly to me, asking things like, "how are you today?" and smiling. I was thinking, what is this, a prank? Am I being set up—distract me with friendliness while an accomplice robs me? What the hell is going on here?! It turns out that the espresso shack market is so competitive that they do anything to bring in more business, even fake pleasantries to unattractive men. Anyway, now that I've gotten a taste of friendly service I won't go back; I can't go back. SCREW YOU STARBUCKS.